Thursday, January 24, 2008

The Jason Bausch Interview

Once again Squirrel Droppings own roving reporter, Bernard Hinault,

was able to land another exclusive interview with one of SoCals top signings. With all the shake up's and line up changes Paul has signed the ever talented Jason Bausch to race for them next season.BH: Hi
JB: Uh.... Hi.
BH: What's your name?
JB: Jason.
BH: Ooooh ooooooh ooooooooh, my dad's name is Jason but all his friends call him Jay.
JB: My friends call me JB.
BH: Do you know Ceasar Milan?
JB: You mean the Dog Whisperer?
BH: Yeah, yeah. He can make a dog do anything he wants all he does is jab his fingers in the dogs neck and makes a "tst" sound with his mouth.
JB: Maybe we should try it on Thurlow.
BH: You can try that "tst" thing on the Chicken. I heard a girl once did it to him and made him, dance around the house in thong underwear while wearing rain boots and a snorkle and mask.
JB: What kind of interview is this?
BH: Oh.... it's about racing bikes. I just wanted to know if you knew him. I try to do that "tst" thing but it's hard for me cause I really don't have any lips.
JB: Um ok.
BH: Do you remember that part in Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indiana Jones was running out of that cave and the giant boulder was rolling after him?
JB: Yeah.... why?
BH: Oh cause the other SoCal teams kind of feel like Indiana did when the PT team is chasing them.
JB: That's a pretty good analogy for a dog dude.
BH: I'm gonna get neutered next week. Can you tell me what that means?
JB: There gonna cut your ball off! Run for the hills!
BH: Oh Snap! I wonder when the R&R team ultimately isn't successful if they will say the domestic cycling scene was neutered?
JB: Damn... another good analogy! What kinda dog are you?
BH: I am a French Bulldog. Are you as cool as this guy?

JB: No way!
BH: He kinda farts with his hands.
JB: That's way cooler than racing bikes!
BH: I know, I heard the Cuban has opted to practice hand farting, and blowing off his 2x20's.
JB: Can ya blame him? I think I'll do the same.

So there you have it. With the Cuban and JB changing sports and focusing their training time on hand farting one is only left to wonder the future of

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Climbing Nightmare

Why is it I can't climb? Currently I have lost a little fitness due to the cold I had at the beginning of the month. But even if I had not been sick and been able to train as I like, I still would make it up the climbs like a bag of wet cement.

Back in the day, I used to look forward to the climbs in a race. Yet back then I would always get dropped as I do now but at least I liked to climb. Now..... if the road tilts up more than 4% all systems shut down. First to go are the quads, next the knees, and then finally the lungs.

As we rode up the Nelsons Landing climb yesterday, the inevitable happend about a third of the way up......

Legs to Brain: We're running out of power must... slow.... down.....

Brain to Legs: Keep pushing everyone is still here, Christ the Wingman is on the front!

Legs to Brain: Nope, we've got no more to give. It's quitin' time.

Brain to Legs: SRM says we are still holding good watts, heart rate is ok. Keep pushing the peddals.

Legs to Brain: What part don't you understand? We don't care what he SRM is telling you, were done.

So I watched the team ride away and soon I couldn't see them anymore. Crap... about 6 miles to go on my own! The only thing worse than climbing is climbing alone.

But wait I think Magoo is still back there! Yes, I can see him coming up behind I'll just ride up with him. Wrong, as Magoo is carrying on a conversation with me he doesn't know I am getting farther and farther behind him. At first I tried to carry on the conversation I did ok, but soon enough I just stopped responding. What's the use I thought, I am practically yelling he is so far away! God I am pathetic!

Fast forward to the last 1/2 mile of the climb.

I can see the top. The team must have continued to the parking lot. Damn, that means I have about 9 miles to go on my own still. But wait.... coming down the climb toward me I see The Bully coming to get me.

Bully: All we ever do is help you sprinters. If we are not pulling you to the finish we are pushing you to the top.

At this point he puts his hand on my back and gives me a push. God I am pathetic.

A.S.: Don't.....wonder.....peddals....hungry.

Bully: Just a little help to give your legs a rest.


Bully: Almost there.

A.S.: Bikes....jmfut.....poop....skunk

Bully: You're not making much sense.

A.S.: Cents....monkey...outer space you could donkey cents.

At this point I blacked out. Luckly we were at the top and the whole team was waiting. I think someone offered me water, I could no longer feel my legs, and the next thing we are headed to the parking lot.

As I sat on the back (didn't pull once) the PT locomotive pulled all the remaining 9 miles of the ride. I did notice a couple of times though the watts on the SRM were giving favorable readings, so pride was restored. Didn't feel so pathetic when it was done.

Note to self: You're a sprinter, not a climber.

Here's the question. How did I get into that long winded story when all I wanted to do was post this pic of how my legs feel this morning?

Friday, January 18, 2008

He's Baaaaack!

Well there was talk of his return just after Interbike a couple of months ago but then the excitement fizzeled out as it seem an agreement was never reached. Wednesday an agreement was finally reached and the contract of Mario Cipollini will be signed with Rock Racing this Friday! First race.... TOC followed by an all out assault on the SoCal masters circuit. Squirrel Droppings Bernard Hinault
was lucky enough to get an exclusive interview with the Lion King after this incredible announcement.

BH: So, you race bikes?
MC: Yesssa. I race bicicletta many many year.
BH: Do you like fancy clothes?
MC: I have many many closets in mi housa. I love Rock and Repulic jeans. Michael Ball is a great designer and an exciting new team owner.
BH: Ooooooo you said balls. Have you seen how big mine are? I like to lick them, wanna try?
MC: How can you do that? I wish I could do that to myselfa.
BH: How do you think you will fair against the mighty masters teams of SoCal?
MC: Seriously, how do you do that?
BH: I'm a dog man.
MC: I am the Lion King, I will have no trouble with those silly teams of SoCal.
BH: I piss on the rug.
MC: What?
BH: What if the Paul Tracy lead out dropped you?
MC: I lova Paul Tracy he driva fast cars.
BH: No no no, I mean the PT cycling team?
MC: Oh yesa, I hava heard of this team. I know they are going to be a very dificult challenge for me and my team.
BH: Yesterday I tried to hump the cat 17 times.
MC: I once maka love 64 times in one day!
BH: I took a poop that was 64cm long.
MC: Touche!
BH: How do you feel about racing with Tyler H.
MC: I lova Tyler, he great cyclist. He beat cuban at silverman.
BH: Yeah but the cuban used his own blood.
MC: Blood Schmud. It was never proven. Tyler lova dogs and he great man.
BH: Tugboat was awesome!
MC: Do you like my fancy jeans?
BH: Have you heard of "the click"?
MC: What is this clicka?
BH: 12 to 11 Cipo, I thought you were a sprinter.
MC: Oh yesa except mine not a silly clicka, mine more of a BANG!
BH: Oh god.
MC: I have to go now I must find something to go with these jeans.
BH: OK. Thanks for the chat Cipo. Good luck likin you balls!

Well there it is cycling fans. With such icons as Cipo and Bernard in their respect fields. One an incredible cyclist the other and incredible jouralist you are sure to get a very candid interview!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Cats out of the bag!!

So I've been waiting for this post for what seems like forever. Seems me and Barnes made a little something back in the Cali days and thought we would bring it to Vegas and unleash on everyone in late June early July. Um............ now what? Start buying diapers? Start buying baby clothes? Look for a crib? Decide which room in the new house will be the baby's? Maybe the casita and the crying won't wake us....... no no no! Bad Dad. Ok wait, how much is this gonna cost? Toys, fruit snacks, ketchup (lots of ketchup kids like ketchup don't they?) piano lessons, football practice, dance recitals, after school detention.... it is my offspring after all, eating boogers.... it is also the offspring of Barnes.. ha ha, scraped knees, loose teeth, sippy cups, Barney? No not Barney, the kid will know who Phil Ligget is before Barney. I want a pony! Holy Crap! Are we ready for this? What's Bernard gonna think? Are we gonna be good parents? Is the kid gonna be smart, athletic, funny, healthy? I thought I had alot on my mind when we were relocating and transferring jobs. That was nothing compared to this.